Just about every one of us has had to deal with “that problematic Letter of Recommendation” –– when it becomes time for your undergrad student or technician or senior staff member or grad student or postdoc to “move on” to a new job, and the Letter should be honest and sincere, even if the person moving on is not very competent.
So, the Letter must sound sweet and inoffensive –– even if the person being recommended is extremely underwhelming. Otherwise, if that person finds out about your Letter, he/she may become angry with you and/or threaten you with a law suit (or even bodily harm or a death threat).
So, below I’ve listed some suggestions as to how to write a sincere-sounding (yet cleverly deceptive) Letter of Recommendation… 😉
Linguistic humor, Ambiguous recommendations
If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a disgruntled employee, or inferior/mediocre/incompetent employee that is leaving your lab or office group, here are a few suggested phrases:
Lexical ambiguity
For a chronically absent employee
“A man like him is hard to find.”
For a dishonest employee
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”
For a lazy employee
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
For the office drunk
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”
Structural ambiguity
For a chronically absent employee
“It seemed her career was just starting to take off.”
For a dishonest employee
“Her true ability was deceiving.”
For a stupid employee
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”
For the office drunk
“He generally found himself loaded with work to do.”
Scope ambiguity
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend her too highly.”
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
Other
For a lazy employee
“She could not care less about the number of hours she has to put in.”
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
For a stupid (or stubborn) employee
“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/ambiguous-recommendations.html